RUSSIAN JOKES

A drunk Russian guy walks up to a Jewish guy and says to him,'why are all you dirty Jews so rich and yet so mean?'
To which the Jewish guy replies, 'I am not a rich man and none of my Jewish friends are rich either'
Feeling angered at the Russian guys question the Jewish guy then asks ' why are all Russian girls called Natasha and work as prostitutes?'
To which the Russian guy replies in shocked anger,'thats not fair to say that, my grand mother's name is Svetlana and she nolonger works as a prostitute!'

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

Two soldiers are late returning from their leave, and now they’re standing before their sergeant:
"How could you be late for two whole hours? What if a war broke out?"
"Well, comrade Sergeant, we went to the opera and we just got carried away with the performance."
"Opera?!" the sergeant exclaims. "I can only imagine how drunk you were to end up in the opera!"

A recruit examines the food served to him in the batallion dining room.
- Do I have any choice here, he asks a sergeant.
- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.

The American asks, "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you get to work?"
The Russian replies, "We take bus."
The American asks, "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
The Russian replies, "We take train."
The American asks, "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
The Russian replies, "We don't want go abroad."
The American presses further and asks, "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
The Russian replies, "We take tanks."

One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that it's a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workman's hand and earnestly says, "Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should," and the Polish guy says, "Oh no, 50--50."

For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket, felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink. -Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.
-Where did you get that from, old lady.
-Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.

A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....

Nixon asks God:
- When will unemployment go down in the US?
- In 20 years.
- Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks:
- When will the Russian people get a happy life?
- I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.

Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

Brezhnev gives his radio address to the Russian people:
Comrades! I have 2 important anonuncements for you - one joyful and one wistful. The wistful news is that during the next 7 years we'll eat nothing but shit. And the joyful one is that there will be an abundance of it.

When was the first Russian election held?
-The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said,
"Go ahead, choose your wife."

What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course.
Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in shit, while Stalin is only up to his waist?" -He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter? -Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

At night someone knocks on the door. Woman wakes up and asks: - Vasya, is that you? Silence. She returns to bed. Again a knock. - Vasya, don`t make me nervous, is that you? Silence. She waits a while then returns to bed. Again a knock. She opens the door to find her drunken husband Vasya standing there. - You moron! I was asking if it was you, why weren`tcha answering??? - I was nodding you!!!